Isn't it something how as women we start to pay closer attention to our outer appearance as we begin to mature in age. I find myself examining my face features more and more. And on days when I really have a boost of confidence, I will even make a bold move and look at the rest of myself. I have noticed the change in my complexion and the texture of my skin on my face; my goodness, I try my best to not lean forward in the mirror as I watch my cheeks sagged forward :) I'm more cautious of what I eat; understanding that, what goes inside will reflect on the outside.
But this morning, as I was doing all of that and "putting on my face". I realized something ... the reflection that was looking back at me. I noticed the woman in the mirror! For the first time in my life; I was seeing the reflection of someone who didn't need to put on makeup to cover up things. I'm not talking about your day to day blemishes, wrinkles and bags around the eyes. I am talking about, putting in the extra time and effort to cover up the fact that I had been crying all night, or enhancing the colors that I wear to make it seem like I was feeling good about myself; when really, I had just contemplated suicide the night before. Or even wearing my hair a certain way to hide the shame I was feeling. This time, I was looking at a woman, who was preparing herself to have a victorious day; with the confidence that the Lord is with me, and the assurance of my deliverance that has equipped me for any disruptions.
I am a woman who LOVES fashion. I love to shop and I love quality clothing and shoes. And though my love for fashion has not changed, my motive for wearing it has. In the past when I dressed myself, I would dress for the occasion. And I am not talking about a dinner party or an event. I am talking about; putting on a dress so you can feel loved, or putting on a business suit to make you feel important, wanted, and accepted. Putting on an outfit that really displayed your figure; because you wanted to know if you looked or were appealing to someone ... anyone.
When I reflect back on this time, I realize that I had no identity and I didn't know who I was. I knew the things that I could do well and not so well. I knew what I like and didn't like ... but ... I didn't know me! That person was hidden, I didn't even accept myself. The way I viewed that person; I was a person who was weak and had failed in so many areas of her life. To me, I had no value.
When I began to allow the Lord to deal with me; and rid me of behaviors and sins in my life. The first thing that he had to deal with me on, was my PRIDE! I lived in a thick cloud of pride. It steered every direction of my life. The Lord showed me how I had created this 'alter ego' that allowed me to hide behind a facade. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together and I was doing 'my thing' but really, I was trying to hide the shame, guilt, and control that ruled my life. I had to trust the Lord to remove the mask and accept what was there and trust that he was going to reveal the image that I am in HIM. I began reading books on humility, praying and asking God to remove things. Writing pages of journal entries, communicating my true feelings. I even began to change the way that I communicated, because, words are powerful! In the midst of all of this, the Lord was shaping and molding me.
So today, when I look in the mirror, my scars are gone. I no longer dress for the occasion, but dress to impress... the Lord. I no longer seek the complements of other, because I now have an identity. This may have all taken me to be an adult to realize and admit that I was an impostor, but, to God be the Glory for HIS GRACE on giving me the strength to have the courage to remove the ... Mask!
When you look in the mirror, what is the reflection that you see? God's grace is sufficient, and it's available for a new makeover. I encourage you, as you take this journey with me ... find your identity!
Remember, surrender all ...
Tynisha
But this morning, as I was doing all of that and "putting on my face". I realized something ... the reflection that was looking back at me. I noticed the woman in the mirror! For the first time in my life; I was seeing the reflection of someone who didn't need to put on makeup to cover up things. I'm not talking about your day to day blemishes, wrinkles and bags around the eyes. I am talking about, putting in the extra time and effort to cover up the fact that I had been crying all night, or enhancing the colors that I wear to make it seem like I was feeling good about myself; when really, I had just contemplated suicide the night before. Or even wearing my hair a certain way to hide the shame I was feeling. This time, I was looking at a woman, who was preparing herself to have a victorious day; with the confidence that the Lord is with me, and the assurance of my deliverance that has equipped me for any disruptions.
I am a woman who LOVES fashion. I love to shop and I love quality clothing and shoes. And though my love for fashion has not changed, my motive for wearing it has. In the past when I dressed myself, I would dress for the occasion. And I am not talking about a dinner party or an event. I am talking about; putting on a dress so you can feel loved, or putting on a business suit to make you feel important, wanted, and accepted. Putting on an outfit that really displayed your figure; because you wanted to know if you looked or were appealing to someone ... anyone.
When I reflect back on this time, I realize that I had no identity and I didn't know who I was. I knew the things that I could do well and not so well. I knew what I like and didn't like ... but ... I didn't know me! That person was hidden, I didn't even accept myself. The way I viewed that person; I was a person who was weak and had failed in so many areas of her life. To me, I had no value.
When I began to allow the Lord to deal with me; and rid me of behaviors and sins in my life. The first thing that he had to deal with me on, was my PRIDE! I lived in a thick cloud of pride. It steered every direction of my life. The Lord showed me how I had created this 'alter ego' that allowed me to hide behind a facade. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together and I was doing 'my thing' but really, I was trying to hide the shame, guilt, and control that ruled my life. I had to trust the Lord to remove the mask and accept what was there and trust that he was going to reveal the image that I am in HIM. I began reading books on humility, praying and asking God to remove things. Writing pages of journal entries, communicating my true feelings. I even began to change the way that I communicated, because, words are powerful! In the midst of all of this, the Lord was shaping and molding me.
So today, when I look in the mirror, my scars are gone. I no longer dress for the occasion, but dress to impress... the Lord. I no longer seek the complements of other, because I now have an identity. This may have all taken me to be an adult to realize and admit that I was an impostor, but, to God be the Glory for HIS GRACE on giving me the strength to have the courage to remove the ... Mask!
When you look in the mirror, what is the reflection that you see? God's grace is sufficient, and it's available for a new makeover. I encourage you, as you take this journey with me ... find your identity!
Remember, surrender all ...
Tynisha
It is ironic that this blog piece is entitled "Mirror Image" because what you describe was a true image of who I "use to be!" I remember, once, sitting in a business meeting with another woman, a woman that I viewed as "successful”. That morning, I carefully selected the outfit that I would wear and t I carefully put on my make up (facade). When I arrived, she too was dressed to impress, from head to toe. I remember us briefly talking about what "brand" of shoes and make up she wore. I mean, she was flawless.
ReplyDeleteHowever, during that meeting I remember wondering if she was as broken as I was and if she too had a low self-image. I wondered if she had also selected what she would wear in an effort to hide the pain that she was feeling. At that time in my life, I had no identity; I struggled bouts of depression and suicide, and while I was “looking good” on the outside I was fighting a daily battle to just stay alive! BUT GOD! I thank God for his mercy and grace, it was He that kept, delivered, and healed me. Today, I am able to love “ME” the real “Me” without the façade that I had so carefully created hoping the world would see my brokenness. Today, I let the person that God designed me to be shine through because that is the only “brand” that I need to wear.
Tynisha, thank you for your transparency and encouragement. May your words be used to help “free” someone that God might get the glory.
As I surrender all!
Michelle Cox
C'mon now Michelle, say that! God will reveal all.
DeleteWOW! WOW! WOW! POWERFUL and true.
ReplyDelete