As our family was hanging in the balance and needing a decision to be made, the hour had come! The hour for my husband and I to not only decide if we were going to stay in this marriage and fight for it, but, were we going to allow the Lord to do what needed to be done so He could be glorified?
I'm learning through my marriage that in order for change to happen, there needs to be a 2-fold surrendering that has to take place. A surrendering of your own will and a surrendering to God's will. We can want so much for things to change in our lives, but we are not always ready to give up what is blocking the change from taking place. I needed to give up my independence. Now, some of you ladies and wives are probably like WHAT!!! Yes, I had to. I had to give up my independence in order to be depended on the Lord and put my trust in Him. I needed to have the faith that He would restore my marriage and me. I also had to give up my independence for the sake of my husband to be able to walk in his God-given authority; the authority over our home and marriage. And you know what I found out? That doesn't make me weak, it doesn't mean that I don't have a voice and my husband doesn't walk all over me. I had to get to a place where I recognized that I was in the wrong position in our marriage. I needed to be walking with my husband and not in front of him!
It is proven that many of your beliefs are molded in us by the age of 12. I find that to be true. I can look back on my up-bringing and see why and how I function and dealt with things the way that I did. In my family, the women ruled their homes, divorce was expected and a man was an addition that could be subtracted at any time. Extended family ran your households and your spouse took a back seat to all of them. Submission of any type was not displayed and you voiced and expressed your opinion whether it was asked for or not. Although our family of many generations were close (my grandmother and great aunts were the pillars of our family), we were mixed with hurt, disappointment, rejection and poverty. And although, I don't blame them or fault them for any of the choices and decisions that they made because I understand that you can't do what you don't know. It still shaped my beliefs. But getting back to me...
There was so much in me that the Lord needed to deal with, restore and take away. I was rooted in Pride, I built my life on it. For me, it was what kept me sane. Because I am a driven, self-motivated person, I let my strengths, abilities, talents and skills become my identity. It was also a shield for me to not have to deal with the hurt and rejection that had taken place in my life prior to me getting married. And even though I felt that my justifications for it was right, it stood in the way of me trusting my husband and allowing the Lord full access in my life. For years, I wouldn't allow my husband to see me vulnerable; I wouldn't cry in front of him and I definitely did allow him to know when he hurt my feelings. I remember he use to say, "do you ever show any emotions?" He would purposely do things just to get a reaction out of me, but, the response still wasn't want he wanted. And he wasn't doing it to be a jerk, he just wanted to know if I had a heart. My husband likes to show affection, communication isn't his strong suit, but, it comes easy for him to show the people that he cares about, how much he loves them.
The Lord would admonish me time and time again how I needed to be vulnerable. In the beginning I rejected His request because I thought it would make me look weak. And when I was ready to submit to His request, I didn't know how. Well, I found out that I needed a heart-transplant from the Lord. My heart was broken and the few pieces that remained, had turned to stone. I could remember being upset at myself when I would cry and show emotions because I felt like I was losing control. There was a time in the early years of our marriage that my husband told me, "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not like the other guys that have been in your life." Believe it or not, I actually believed him and felt safe hearing that. But, because I was a person who love with conditions, the first time he hurt me and disappointed me, I became angry at myself for letting my guard down and it took me a long time to get to that place again. Pride! It was destroying my life and my marriage.
Our pastors live very transparent lives. And through that, we have been ministered to as a couple. I remember my pastor saying one day, "In relationships, you are going to hurt and disappoint one another. "That's to be expected, but, you can forgive one another and get passed it." That was so freeing for me. You see, I had unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for my husband, our children and our marriage. What I expected from my husband, he is not humanly equipped to do or give me ... only the Lord. So for years, not only did I have the wrong expectations, I also had my husband in the wrong place in my life. What I needed, he could not provide. My relationship with the Lord needed to change, thus my relationship with my husband would also change.
As the hour approached for my husband and I to surrender to the Lord, neither one of us knew what would take place and how brutally painful it would be. I'm being honest because I don't want anyone to think that the process was "Peaches-N-Cream". It was hard for me to surrender my will. It was hard for me to apologize and say the words, "I'm sorry" and then I learned that there is another part to apologizing, you also need to ask for forgiveness and accept someone telling you, "I forgive you." That took me to get to a place where I was broken and no way in my own strength could I have done that myself.
You see, for me, that hour was when I was on the altar and I laid all my hurt, disappointment and rejection down (and I didn't go back and pick it up) and I had an encounter with the Lord and he showed Himself real to me. That hour was when I was in my bedroom praying and I realized that I had failed at being a wife. I'm not saying my husband was perfect and he didn't need to allow the Lord to work in his life, because, he did. My husband found out that he could be very cold and allow his heart to go hard. But as the author of my testimony, that's where I have to share from My hour, when I had to humble myself and ask my husband to forgive me for all I had said and done and understand that, because, I was at that place, he wasn't and now I needed to have the faith for him to get there. In a marriage, you have to have patience and give room for your spouse to work out their own issues on their own time.
We had gone from being a married couple to roommates. Although we lived together in the same house, we didn't share space with one another. At times we would take turns making our family room into a bedroom for one of us, as we would just fall asleep wherever we were at. We were so disconnected. We learned in marriage counseling to always come together in intimacy with one another, especially after there has been a disconnection. It brings you back to a place of unity and oneness. But if you love on conditions, you won't humble yourself and allow that to happen. It doesn't mean that you don't deal with whats going on, but you have to stay connected. And we were failing at that. The Lord was working, but we still needed to have faith to see it through. When you and your spouse are on different spectrums of deliverance and the Lord moving in your life, your faith is not only for your change, but for your spouse's change as well.
With change comes accountability. My husband and I had to get to a place where we allowed one another and our pastors to keep us accountable. I would write out confessions and put them on the side of my closet door, so before I would walk in it, I would be reminded of what confession towards my husband needed to be made. I took sticky notes and stuck them on our bathroom mirror with scriptures that talked about the Lord's perception of marriage; be fruitful and multiply, Genesis 1:28. We needed to have something in front us, everyday, helping us walk out this process.
The Hour meant decision time. It was the deciding factor if our marriage had any hope and if we were going to make it. The path was set for us to fail; were we going to join in on the rising statistics of Christians divorcing? I thought so ... BUT GOD!!!
Stay with me on this journey! Has your hour come? I want to encourage you to humble yourself and surrender to the Lord. Maybe the course is not how you would have set it up, but, TRUST God. What He has joined together, let no one or nothing separate you. For better and for worse. And when the worst has reared its ugly head, hold on to the coat tails of the Holy Spirit and let Him guide you through this process.
To be continued ...
Tynisha.
I'm learning through my marriage that in order for change to happen, there needs to be a 2-fold surrendering that has to take place. A surrendering of your own will and a surrendering to God's will. We can want so much for things to change in our lives, but we are not always ready to give up what is blocking the change from taking place. I needed to give up my independence. Now, some of you ladies and wives are probably like WHAT!!! Yes, I had to. I had to give up my independence in order to be depended on the Lord and put my trust in Him. I needed to have the faith that He would restore my marriage and me. I also had to give up my independence for the sake of my husband to be able to walk in his God-given authority; the authority over our home and marriage. And you know what I found out? That doesn't make me weak, it doesn't mean that I don't have a voice and my husband doesn't walk all over me. I had to get to a place where I recognized that I was in the wrong position in our marriage. I needed to be walking with my husband and not in front of him!
It is proven that many of your beliefs are molded in us by the age of 12. I find that to be true. I can look back on my up-bringing and see why and how I function and dealt with things the way that I did. In my family, the women ruled their homes, divorce was expected and a man was an addition that could be subtracted at any time. Extended family ran your households and your spouse took a back seat to all of them. Submission of any type was not displayed and you voiced and expressed your opinion whether it was asked for or not. Although our family of many generations were close (my grandmother and great aunts were the pillars of our family), we were mixed with hurt, disappointment, rejection and poverty. And although, I don't blame them or fault them for any of the choices and decisions that they made because I understand that you can't do what you don't know. It still shaped my beliefs. But getting back to me...
There was so much in me that the Lord needed to deal with, restore and take away. I was rooted in Pride, I built my life on it. For me, it was what kept me sane. Because I am a driven, self-motivated person, I let my strengths, abilities, talents and skills become my identity. It was also a shield for me to not have to deal with the hurt and rejection that had taken place in my life prior to me getting married. And even though I felt that my justifications for it was right, it stood in the way of me trusting my husband and allowing the Lord full access in my life. For years, I wouldn't allow my husband to see me vulnerable; I wouldn't cry in front of him and I definitely did allow him to know when he hurt my feelings. I remember he use to say, "do you ever show any emotions?" He would purposely do things just to get a reaction out of me, but, the response still wasn't want he wanted. And he wasn't doing it to be a jerk, he just wanted to know if I had a heart. My husband likes to show affection, communication isn't his strong suit, but, it comes easy for him to show the people that he cares about, how much he loves them.
The Lord would admonish me time and time again how I needed to be vulnerable. In the beginning I rejected His request because I thought it would make me look weak. And when I was ready to submit to His request, I didn't know how. Well, I found out that I needed a heart-transplant from the Lord. My heart was broken and the few pieces that remained, had turned to stone. I could remember being upset at myself when I would cry and show emotions because I felt like I was losing control. There was a time in the early years of our marriage that my husband told me, "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not like the other guys that have been in your life." Believe it or not, I actually believed him and felt safe hearing that. But, because I was a person who love with conditions, the first time he hurt me and disappointed me, I became angry at myself for letting my guard down and it took me a long time to get to that place again. Pride! It was destroying my life and my marriage.
Our pastors live very transparent lives. And through that, we have been ministered to as a couple. I remember my pastor saying one day, "In relationships, you are going to hurt and disappoint one another. "That's to be expected, but, you can forgive one another and get passed it." That was so freeing for me. You see, I had unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for my husband, our children and our marriage. What I expected from my husband, he is not humanly equipped to do or give me ... only the Lord. So for years, not only did I have the wrong expectations, I also had my husband in the wrong place in my life. What I needed, he could not provide. My relationship with the Lord needed to change, thus my relationship with my husband would also change.As the hour approached for my husband and I to surrender to the Lord, neither one of us knew what would take place and how brutally painful it would be. I'm being honest because I don't want anyone to think that the process was "Peaches-N-Cream". It was hard for me to surrender my will. It was hard for me to apologize and say the words, "I'm sorry" and then I learned that there is another part to apologizing, you also need to ask for forgiveness and accept someone telling you, "I forgive you." That took me to get to a place where I was broken and no way in my own strength could I have done that myself.
You see, for me, that hour was when I was on the altar and I laid all my hurt, disappointment and rejection down (and I didn't go back and pick it up) and I had an encounter with the Lord and he showed Himself real to me. That hour was when I was in my bedroom praying and I realized that I had failed at being a wife. I'm not saying my husband was perfect and he didn't need to allow the Lord to work in his life, because, he did. My husband found out that he could be very cold and allow his heart to go hard. But as the author of my testimony, that's where I have to share from My hour, when I had to humble myself and ask my husband to forgive me for all I had said and done and understand that, because, I was at that place, he wasn't and now I needed to have the faith for him to get there. In a marriage, you have to have patience and give room for your spouse to work out their own issues on their own time.
We had gone from being a married couple to roommates. Although we lived together in the same house, we didn't share space with one another. At times we would take turns making our family room into a bedroom for one of us, as we would just fall asleep wherever we were at. We were so disconnected. We learned in marriage counseling to always come together in intimacy with one another, especially after there has been a disconnection. It brings you back to a place of unity and oneness. But if you love on conditions, you won't humble yourself and allow that to happen. It doesn't mean that you don't deal with whats going on, but you have to stay connected. And we were failing at that. The Lord was working, but we still needed to have faith to see it through. When you and your spouse are on different spectrums of deliverance and the Lord moving in your life, your faith is not only for your change, but for your spouse's change as well.
With change comes accountability. My husband and I had to get to a place where we allowed one another and our pastors to keep us accountable. I would write out confessions and put them on the side of my closet door, so before I would walk in it, I would be reminded of what confession towards my husband needed to be made. I took sticky notes and stuck them on our bathroom mirror with scriptures that talked about the Lord's perception of marriage; be fruitful and multiply, Genesis 1:28. We needed to have something in front us, everyday, helping us walk out this process.
The Hour meant decision time. It was the deciding factor if our marriage had any hope and if we were going to make it. The path was set for us to fail; were we going to join in on the rising statistics of Christians divorcing? I thought so ... BUT GOD!!!
Stay with me on this journey! Has your hour come? I want to encourage you to humble yourself and surrender to the Lord. Maybe the course is not how you would have set it up, but, TRUST God. What He has joined together, let no one or nothing separate you. For better and for worse. And when the worst has reared its ugly head, hold on to the coat tails of the Holy Spirit and let Him guide you through this process.
To be continued ...
Tynisha.
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